


like ribbons, worn bright on my sleeve

by ADreamingSongbird



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: (why's that a tag of course he lives), Ash Lynx Lives, Eiji's trauma and depression are bitches but Ash loves him, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon, discussions of trauma and mental health issues including grief and irrational guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-06 06:51:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20502707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ADreamingSongbird/pseuds/ADreamingSongbird
Summary: Eiji is fine.What happened in America happened, and he's accepted it. It was terrible, but it's over. He's in Japan now, living with Ash, and they're happy. He's fine.(Until he isn't.)





	like ribbons, worn bright on my sleeve

Steam hisses up in a little billowing cloud as Eiji pours tea into each cup, breaking the silence in the kitchen. It’s late in the afternoon, and the sunlight halos the window in brilliant, decadent gold, too bright to face directly. He considers staring into it, briefly, because a headache would be a valid excuse to ignore the rest of the day and curl up in bed alone, but no—Ash might feel obligated to take care of him, and that’s the last thing he wants.

He takes a deep breath.

When he enters the living room and sets the cups down on the coffee table, Ash looks up from his book, clearly distracted, and murmurs a quick “Thanks”. Eiji hums a noncommittal response and curls up in the opposite corner, chest tight with unshed tears.

What is _wrong _with him?

Ash is allowed to sit and read without magically knowing that he’s upset. Ash deserves to enjoy his peaceful afternoon with his book and some tea, without it being ruined by an idiot who doesn’t even have any good reason to be sad! Ash doesn’t owe him all his time and energy just because he loves him!

(And there it is.)

(Ash loves him.)

(Ash loves him, but…)

(But he _shouldn’t._)

“Eiji?”

Eiji’s head snaps up in a panic. “Yes?”

Ash looks at him for a long moment, eyes piercing behind his glasses. _Don’t ask what’s wrong, _Eiji begs, because he’ll feel worse for lying but he can’t possibly tell the truth. _Please don’t._

“You okay?”

Eiji’s heart turns to stone. So he’s noticed.

“Oh, yes, I am fine,” he says, pasting on his best attempt at a wan smile. “The sun is just very bright, and it gave me a little headache. That is all.”

Ash makes a tiny noise of understanding. “Take some painkillers and go lay down,” he suggests. “I can wake you up for dinner.”

Eiji’s entire stomach is a pit of dread and discomfort. He lied, he’s not good enough for Ash, he’s needy and he’s a liar and he’s useless.

“I think I will,” he manages, a second too late, and numbly starts to get up again, except—

Ash’s hand shoots out and grabs his wrist. He freezes.

“And why are you lying to me, Birdie?” Ash asks, voice soft, and oh, _god, _he knows, he knows he knows he knows and Eiji is useless even for lying and Ash knows and he can’t do this, because Ash knows now!

“I’m sorry,” he gasps out, trying to pull away before the tears come. “Sorry sorry sorry, I should—I will just go lie down and it will be fine I am sorry I should not do this I know—”

Ash tightens his grip instead of letting him go, and then to Eiji’s horror pulls him back down to the couch and into his arms. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Eiji whimpers. “Nothing, it’s nothing.”

“Doesn’t look like nothing to me.” Ash levels him a stern look as he closes the book and puts it on the coffee table by their untouched tea, and Eiji nearly bursts into tears because not only is he useless, but now he’s even impeding Ash from doing the things he wants to do; he’s the worst, he shouldn’t be here, he doesn’t deserve it…

“Don’t—don’t touch me!”

He yanks away from Ash as if burned and flees to the safety of the other end of the couch, wide-eyed. Ash stares back, eyes just as wide, and slowly settles back against the armrest. Great, now Eiji hurt him and made everything worse! It would be so much easier if he could just shut the fuck up and not bother people with his problems—Ash has been through so much more than him, and yet here he is, being useless and a drain on everyone and even if Ash can’t see it, Eiji can, and it’s killing him. It’s killing him to know he doesn’t deserve Ash’s love, that Ash loves him when he’s messy and pathetic and useless useless useless.

“Okay,” Ash says, leaning back. “I won’t. Sorry. But I need you to talk to me, sweetie. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong.”

Eiji curls up into himself and looks away, at the golden-bright windows across the room. “You do not have to help me. You should not. It is—it is not important.”

Ash scoffs. “Looks pretty important to me. Look at you!”

Eiji flinches. “I—I know I look pathetic, I am sorry. I… It is…” He fumbles for words for a minute before he gives up and just hangs his head, eyes squeezed shut against the tears threatening to prick their way out onto his cheeks. It takes him several seconds to open them again. “I will do better next time.”

“No, that’s not—” Ash sighs, runs a hand through his hair, and shakes his head. “That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

Eiji has to look away as the guilt threatens to swallow him whole. “You can go back to your book,” he whispers. “Sorry. I will be fine. You do not have to worry. Sorry.”

“I don’t want to go back to my book.” Ash gives him a hard look. “I want to know what’s upsetting you, and I want to help.”

Eiji’s eyes burn, and despite his best efforts, the first tear escapes and rolls down his cheek. Shame burns in its wake. “Nothing important—”

“It _is _important, Eiji,” Ash sighs. “It’s important to you, so it’s important to me. You’re important to me. You’re upset. I want to take care of you. That’s all there is to it.”

“You—you do not have to!” Eiji scrubs at his face as the second and third tears fall, too, because just the thought of—of being taken care of—it sounds _so _nice, but he can’t—he doesn’t deserve that, he hasn’t done anything to deserve it! “I—me being upset does not matter—”

“It matters to me.” Ash’s voice is softer, and Eiji chokes on a swallowed sob. “Can I touch you?”

Defeated, Eiji nods, wiping pitifully at his eyes. Ash crawls over the cushions and pulls him into his arms again, tucks him against his shoulder and holds him close, one hand cradling the back of his head so tenderly he can’t help but cry harder. “Sorry, I—I am sorry—”

“Don’t be,” Ash murmurs, and he turns his head and presses a kiss into Eiji’s hair. “You take care of me all the time. Can’t I return the favor?”

“You d-deserve better,” Eiji manages hoarsely into his neck. “Shouldn’t—shouldn’t have to deal with my messes.”

“You always deal with mine.” Ash kisses his hair again, rubbing his back. “You know how many times I’ve thought that you deserve better than me?”

Eiji lifts his head, eyes wide in horror, and shakes his head vehemently. “No, no, no no no, you—I love_ you_, I do not want anyone else—”

“I know, Birdie.” Ash caresses his cheek. His eyes are so warm and tender that Eiji could drown in them, happily, and the thought makes him cry harder. “Shh, shhhh. I know. I know. And I love you, too, and I don’t want anyone else, either.”

Eiji stiffens. “You—you should.”

Ash tips his head to one side. “Why?”

“B-because I fooled you into loving me too much to see that I am _useless,_” Eiji sobs, so repulsed by himself that he can’t bring himself to keep his arms around Ash’s waist any longer. He pulls them back and cries into his hands instead, hoarse and pathetic.

Ash snorts. It’s so incongruous that Eiji looks up at him over the tops of his fingers. “You think you’re good enough a liar to trick _me _like that?” He kisses Eiji’s forehead, and Eiji squeaks. “You’re a terrible liar, sweetheart. And you’re not useless. But even if you were, I didn’t fall in love with you for your utility.”

“All I ever do is let people down,” Eiji cries. The specter of his would-be track career still haunts him, looming over him in the dead of night, and not a day goes by that he doesn’t remember that he was the weak link, that it was his fault that Shorter—

His fault

All his fault

They used him

And Shorter—

Died.

“You lifted me up,” Ash contradicts, rubbing his back again. “Right out of hell. You taught me how to live again. You gave me hope.”

Eiji shakes his head. “I let everyone down and I killed him and—”

Ash’s hands still, and his eyes go hard. “Killed who, Eiji?”

“Shorter,” Eiji whispers. This is it. Ash will realize now, and he’ll cast him aside in disgust because Eiji is useless and only ruins things. “It was m-my fault. You h-had to shoot him b-because of me.”

Ash’s arms tighten around him like a vice. “Abraham Dawson killed Shorter,” he hisses, voice low and dangerous in a way that makes Eiji feel terrifyingly safe. “Abraham Dawson, and Golzine. Not you. Not you, never you. My hands are dirtier than yours. Never you, Eiji. Never you.”

“Ash…”

Eiji struggles to find words for several seconds, but the lump in his throat and the tightness in his chest conspire to silence him until he gives up and chokes on his own tears and _sobs._

Ash holds him tight, head bowed, and presses several lingering kisses to his hair, over and over and over as he cries. “He loved you. I love you. Eiji. Eiji, Eiji, Eiji, don’t—don’t do this to yourself, please let me take care of you, for both—for both me and him. It’s what—he would want me to take care of you, too, please—”

“I love you _too,” _Eiji blubbers into his neck. He’s crying so hard he knows he’s hardly intelligible at all, but he has to say it, he has to. “Ash, Ash…”

“I know you do,” Ash murmurs, kissing his hair again. “I know. Look at me?”

Eiji looks up, tears streaming freely down his face and dripping from his chin onto Ash’s shirt. Ash cups his face with one hand, thumbing the tears away and caressing his cheekbone. His eyes are suspiciously bright, even if he isn’t crying himself, and Eiji throws his arms around his shoulders and clings to him.

“You’ve been telling yourself it was your fault for this long now?” Ash’s voice is soft. “Bluebird… it’s been years.”

“If I was not there, they would have—”

“They would’ve targeted someone else to get to me.” Ash kisses his forehead. “It was never about you, darling. He wanted to hurt me, and he didn’t care who else he had to hurt in the process. It was never your fault. You were a victim, Eiji. He hurt you, too.”

Eiji whimpers. Ash kisses his forehead again, then his tear-smudged cheeks.

“Is this what’s been bothering you today?”

Eiji’s head snaps up. “You—you noticed?”

Ash sighs. “I’ve known you how many years now? And you still think I won’t notice? I was just waiting for you to say something, but you never did, so I had to ask.”

“Oh,” Eiji says, very soft. “Oh, Ash…”

Ash kisses his brow. “Is it?”

Eiji gives him the barest hint of a nod before burrowing into his neck again. “I… never was any use to you, or to anyone else, and I think—”

“That’s bullshit,” Ash interrupts. “Just told you, and I’ll tell you again: you saved me. You saved me, you taught me that even a life as shitty as mine was still worth living, that I could find a way to be happy. How the _fuck _is that ‘no use’, sweetheart?”

Eiji whines again, unable to find the words to refute it but knowing, deep in his heart, that there _must _be something he’s missing, that it can’t be true. “I… I… but…”

“If you wanna argue that way, what did I ever do for you?” Ash asks. “I could argue that all I ever did was put you in danger and—”

“No no no no!” More hot tears clog his throat and spill from his tired eyes as he bats frantically at Ash’s shoulder. “Stop, stop, don’t—please—you are so much more than—I chose to stay—please, Ash!”

“Shit, sorry, honey, sorry…” Ash catches his hand and squeezes it, bringing it to his mouth and kissing his knuckles. “I didn’t mean to distress you. Hush, hush, I know you did. I know. I’m okay right now, sweetie, but—I was just saying that to show you how you sound, not that I believe it. Okay?”

Eiji looks up at him with wide eyes. “You mean I…”

“A little bit, sweet pea.” Ash leans in until their foreheads press together and their noses brush, even though Eiji’s face is all sticky and gross from crying. “But it’s the same. It’s my choice to stay here, and to love you, and nothing you say can change that.”

“I don’t deserve this,” Eiji whispers.

Ash hums, considering. “What about me?” he finally asks. “Would you say I deserve to settle down with someone I love?”

Eiji nods vehemently enough that he bumps his nose into Ash’s. “Yes, but—”

Ash stops him with a finger to his lips. “No buts. That’s it. I deserve to live with you and have you here and hold you, and that’s that. Right?”

Eiji hesitates for a long, long moment. “I feel like you have set up a trap…”

Ash flashes a quick grin, devastatingly charming. “You’re not wrong. Answer the question?”

“You deserve all the happiness in the world,” Eiji answers, closing his eyes. He knows where Ash is going with this, and it feels—honestly, he’s never thought of it that way, and it feels so oddly freeing that he’s still not sure if he really is allowed to think of it like that. He deserves to stay because Ash loves him? That’s all there is to it?

“And you make me happiest in the world,” Ash says, sounding very pleased with himself. He nuzzles Eiji’s nose. “So there. By your own words, I deserve you. Therefore, you deserve me.”

Eiji looks down. “I don’t know…”

“That’s okay.” Ash kisses his forehead again. “Remember how many times you had to tell me that I’m allowed to want you?”

Eiji nods. “You are.”

“So I’ll tell you at least that many times,” Ash promises. “You deserve to be happy, and I love you, regardless of whether you think you’re ‘useful’ or not. I promise. If you don’t believe yourself, can you believe me?”

“I don’t know,” Eiji mumbles, again, tucking his face into Ash’s neck. “What if it is like the time you said that American yellow mustard is good?”

“It _is _good, you baby,” Ash huffs. “At least you’re feeling okay enough to complain, huh?”

Eiji immediately shrinks. “Sorry.”

“No—” Ash squeezes him tight. “I’m sorry. Bad time to joke. You can complain. You can say anything you want.”

Eiji very slowly relaxes again, finally melting against his chest and twining tentative fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck. The thing about Ash hugs is that it’s impossible for him to feel anything less than _safe _in Ash’s arms, and when he feels so safe, it’s hard not to relax.

“We should drink our tea,” he finally says, wiping his eyes one last time and looking up at Ash plaintively. “I hope it did not get cold…”

“Sure.” Ash pecks his nose. “But first…”

Ash cups his face, smiles at him, and kisses him, slow and loving and tender. Eiji melts into his touch, his fingers splaying out to cradle the back of Ash’s head, and kisses him back with all the love and emotion that’s been swirling around in his heart all day, just kisses him and kisses him and kisses him. He knows he must be gross and salty from tears, but Ash doesn’t seem to care, because he doesn’t pull away, and he keeps kissing him back, fervent and adoring.

“I love you, Eiji.” Ash strokes his thumb over his lips, and Eiji kisses it, too. “I wanna be here for you like you’ve always been for me. Okay?”

“Okay.” Eiji takes a deep breath to steady himself. “Okay.”

“And we can keep talking about it,” Ash reminds him. “C’mon. Let’s go wash your face, then drink tea, but that doesn’t mean we have to stop talking. I know you. You’re not getting out of it just ‘cuz we change venues.”

Eiji laughs, soft and watery. Ash _does _know him and his tendency to clam up about himself. “I… I know. Okay.”

Ash kisses him one more time before getting up, but he takes his hands to pull him to his feet, too. “Good. And drink some water, or you’ll give yourself a real headache.”

Eiji ducks his head. Is it worth mentioning that he did almost have a real one? Probably not. “Right…”

Ash wraps his arm around his waist, kisses the top of his head, and steers him toward the bathroom. “It’s okay. I just worry about you.”

Eiji stops walking and turns to him, buries his face in his chest, and leans into him for a long moment. He can feel his heartbeat. It’s soothing.

_He deserves to be happy, _he reminds himself. _And I… I make him happy._

It doesn’t feel true yet. It feels far too good to be true, actually, like he’s justifying his own presence to himself, except he knows Ash agrees, and that part feels new. But, maybe… maybe he can get used to thinking it, until it does feel real. Maybe that day will come.

Maybe.

“Eiji?” Ash asks, rocking him gently back and forth. “Are you okay?”

Eiji looks up at him, taking in the messy waves of his hair and the silver glint of the sun on his glasses and the softness in his eyes, and slowly exhales.

“Yes,” he says. “I think I will be.”

**Author's Note:**

> people on twitter were talking about insecure and sad eiji hours and i was like "oh worm?" and sat down and wrote this in one sitting. its my birthday i deserve eiji hurt/comfort. this isnt edited in any way shape or form im just throwing it at you all im sorry if theres typos n shit. anyway deuces
> 
> title is from "eric's song" by vienna teng, which is Very asheiji
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/songbirdrimi) | [tumblr](https://eijispumpkin.tumblr.com/)


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